I'd Love to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, but I Can't

I never pictured myself being a stay-at-home mom. I thought I'd be one of those successful working moms who 'has it all'. I've always been a freelancer, so I knew there would be no maternity leave for me. Instead, I worked hard to ensure that I could get ahead on my work and gave my clients notice when I would be unavailable. I managed to keep up with my workload through a difficult recovery from a c-section and through the crazy newborn days. Newborns get a bad reputation, but they do sleep a lot and are immobile, allowing me to get the work I needed to do. But around the six month mark, things started to slip through the cracks with my biggest client and my other one notified me that she didn't have enough business to keep using my services. So I had lost both of my clients within a few months and I was officially a stay-at-home mom. I made some attempts to find new work, but I finally had to accept that as Marissa became more mobile and slept less, that I couldn't service any social media clients well during this time.

I felt like I had lost part of my identity, part of my purpose. It felt strange to be able to focus my full attention on my daughter. I wanted to bring in money and to be busy. Eventually, I learned to embrace this time because it's a special experience. I loved seeing everything she did for the first time. This wouldn't be my identity forever, so I should make the most of it while I was in this season. I found other stay-at-home mom friends and activities to take Marissa to. I found ways to make myself feel useful. I wrote a book about a stay-at-home mom looking for friends. Honestly, writing Match Made in Motherhood was more about giving myself a purpose and a goal to strive towards. It was a therapeutic process and I came out better on the other side of writing it. During this time, I also got our condo in sale condition and made our (dirty and neglected) new house feel like home. I painted all of the trim in the house, cleaned and cleaned, and lead the charge in all our home improvement projects.

The life of a stay-at-home mom isn't luxurious. It's back breaking, thankless, and underappreciated. You see the worst side of your kids. You're expected to do most of the housework (after all, you're not working). You're never working, but you're always working. You don't get to come home from your job because your job is at home. When someone asks what you do, you admit (sheepishly) that you stay at home with your child and worry about how they'll react to that. Sometimes you get a compliment about how hard it is. Sometimes they say, 'Oh, you're so lucky.' Every once in a while, I get a reaction where it seems like they're disappointed to hear that. That they wouldn't have expected this from me and it makes me less valuable. And it always is a halt in conversation. People don't know how to discuss it. It means that people aren't able to talk about me. It's my job to look after everyone else, but no one looks after me. Strangers don't ask about if I like being a stay-at-home mom like they'd ask about your job. I'm invisible. Everything in my life revolves around my daughter. And it's all anyone else can ask me about either.

Now that I've shared how difficult it is, do you still wish you could stay at home with your kid/kids? It's a fleeting thought for you. A wish, a dream. But it can't be your reality. You NEED two incomes to make your household work. You CAN'T survive on your husband's income alone. It's just NOT possible. If you want something bad enough, you can make it work. Most people, could do it if they are willing to make sacrifices and cut back in some areas. If you think that something won't work, it won't. Rachel Hollis had a great quote that I love: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."

If working gives you purpose and makes you a better mother, more power to you. I expected this to be me. No hate. I'm just talking to those of you who are making excuses why you can't be a stay-at-home mom. Look at your paycheck and think about what it would take to be able to live without your paycheck. But while you're losing a paycheck, you also won't have to pay for daycare, so that will make up some of the difference. It might mean that you'd have to move back in with your parents, and you're not willing to do that. But at least you'd know what it would take to make it happen. Then you're in charge of why it didn't work out. Everything is possible, you just may not be willing to do what it takes to get there. I'll list some ways that you can save or make money that you need in order to compensate for not working.

1. Are you spending most (or all) your paychecks every month? You're in over your head. Find a cheaper place to live or better yet, stop wasting money. Like that meme says, when you grow up, you realize that your mom was right, we do have food at home. Stop eating out. This includes lunches out with co-workers, snacks on the way home, and breakfasts (and COFFEE) on the way to work. You'd be amazed at how fast this adds up. 
2. Find ways to save money instead of ways to spend it. Check out the Ibotta app. It's like a modern way to coupon. You can get money back for the things you're already buying. It's kind of magical. Also, look at the Honey and Wikibuy plugins for online shopping. You can get a % back on what you're spending. Do you have too many subscription boxes or too many streaming services? Do you have cable that you don't watch? We didn't have cable from January until just now (got it back for football season) and you know what, I didn't miss it. I had Hulu to watch shows a few days later and we had Netflix. That was a huge savings. 
3. Figure out what you're willing to sacrifice. I don't spend a ton of money on myself (total mom move). I get my haircut at chain salons like once or twice a year instead of a fancy salon. I buy most of my clothes and Marissa's clothes at consignment shops or TJ Maxx. I know that we can't keep up with our peers in every aspect and I don't try to keep up. At the same time, I don't feel deprived. These small sacrifices are a small price to pay in order for me to be with my daughter all the time. Well, she is now in a MDO program two mornings a week (which is glorious!).
4. Find a side hustle to make some income. Most of the stay-at-home moms I know, are still bringing in some money. I've seen it a dozen times. Once the baby gets around 1 or 2 and gains some independence, so do the moms. They find some way to bring in money without having to go back to work full time. Some start making something. It could be cookies, or vinyl t-shirts, or adorable birthday candles. Some provide a service like party planning or watching other kids. There's dozens of MLMs that are perfect for moms to bring in supplemental income. I'll list a few off the top of my head: Stella & Dot, Scentsy, Usborne Books, Thirty-One Bags, Mary Kay, Color Street, Young Living, LuLa Roe, Pampered Chef and Rodan and Fields. They not only provide income, but also a sense of community. Some find a part time job, whether it's at nights or weekends or find reliable childcare during the week. Some find work-at-home income. I've transcribed videos, gotten back to social media consulting. Other moms have taught English to people in Asia. I've recently looked into this. It's a very cool opportunity. I have also worked as a Shipt Shopper on nights and weekends and as a DoorDash driver. I may do a separate blog on this because there are so many opportunities out there. 
5. Can your family own one car? For FIVE long years, Dustin and I shared a vehicle. It definitely wasn't always easy and we (mostly me) had to coordinate plans and compromise, but it made sense. I worked from home or stayed at home with Marissa and for a good portion of that time Dustin worked from home as well. But some of that time, Dustin had a 9-5 that was close to our house. Most days, he drove to work, but on the days that I knew I needed or wanted to go somewhere, I rode with him to work and took the car back home so that I'd have it until it was time to pick Dustin up. This arrangement may not work for everyone, but if it would work for you, think about how much you'd save in insurance, gas, upkeep, etc. Not to mention if you can sell your car, that's just money in the bank.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a privilege, but it doesn't mean that I have something that you don't. Dustin doesn't make OODLES of money, we never have made a lot of money, but we've made the most of what we have. We've been smart with our money. Obviously, this isn't a decision you should take lightly. Talk it over with your partner. Think about what it would look like if you quit your job. Figure out if it's possible financially and if it's REALLY what you want. What extra responsibilities would you take on if you stayed at home? What would your husband expect from you if you weren't working? Is this something that he's on board with? Does it have to be all or nothing? Maybe your work would allow you to work from home part time. Maybe you could stay in your field and work online. If you want to find a reason why something you won't work, you will. But if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen.

If you'd like to ask any specific questions, feel free to reach out. I'd be happy to help.