How I (Mostly) Overcame Depression

This was really hard for me to write, and will be even harder for me to share on social media. I didn’t talk about my depression with many people I knew. It was something that I worked through on my own. But now, I feel compelled to share my story and how I improved in hopes that it can help others. Now, this is not a blog on how to overcome depression (which is what the original title was before I immediately changed it). Instead, it is a story of the tips and tricks I’ve used to help me overcome my depression and keep it at bay.

I always considered myself to be a pretty happy person. I was the bubbly one, the life of the party, and the one who didn’t understand my friends’ depression or anxiety. “What do you mean you felt too anxious to go to class?” I said insensitively. I always had a few close friends in middle school and high school, and easily formed a large circle of friends in college. School gave me purpose and I loved working hard and being busy. After graduation, as more and more of my friends moved away and Dustin and I moved into a shared housing situation, my outlook became more bleak. Tuscaloosa, while great for college students and families, is terrible for recent grads. People move back home and away for new jobs. I told Dustin to get me out of here. Let’s move somewhere, anywhere. He complied and we made plans to move back to where Dustin grew up, in Houston.

We agreed that we would live with Dustin’s parents while we found a place of our own and saved some money. Agreeing that something is wise and being happy about the prospect of doing it are two different things, though. Besides them and Dustin, I knew no one in Houston. I wasn’t used to being away from family, especially my mother, and I didn’t have much work to distract me. Dustin was my whole world. When he was giving me his full attention, I was content. But if things weren’t perfect between us or he was preoccupied, I fell apart. And unfortunately, he jumped headfirst into a new job and was busy quite frequently. I felt lost. I tried applying for full-time jobs. I managed to get a few interviews, but was never hired. We tried going to meet-up events or out to bars, but didn’t make any lasting friendships in the first few months. I knew I was sad. I knew that it wasn’t healthy for me to base my happiness on Dustin. But I honestly had no idea that I was depressed.

Some of Dustin’s parent’s friends from Australia came into town. Bringing some excitement and plans with them. One night, it was just Dustin, my mother-in-law, and their friend back at their apartment. Funnily enough, I don’t even remember her name. I chose not to friend her on Facebook much the same way as the character in my book avoids the person who points out that she is depressed. I don’t remember much about the conversation either. I think she asked me if I was okay. I’m sure I brushed it off by saying like, sure, I’m fine, or I’m tired, or I’m just having a hard time with the move. But she didn’t accept my answer. She told me that she noticed that I seemed withdrawn and wasn’t making eye contact. She told me about her own experience with debilitating depression. Where she couldn’t even muster the energy to get out of bed some days and required medicine to be functional. After I got over the shock of what she said, I began to feel relief. I knew I wasn’t the fun outgoing person I used to be and now I knew that it wasn’t that I had changed, I was just depressed. Dustin reacted similarly. He was like, I just thought this was who you were now. Dustin’s mom took me in her arms and asked what she could do to help. Realizing that I was depressed was the first step towards getting better. This was something that I could get out of. Once this was behind me, I could get back to loving myself again. I worked hard to get in a routine to find a job (I still didn’t find one) and kept in mind that our circumstances were changing soon. After three long months, we finally moved into our own apartment and I heard that my good friend, Rebecca, was moving to Houston. To give you more insight into my mindset, I’ll post an excerpt during that time period from a blog draft that I wrote but didn’t post:

I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately, so I have to give a lot of credit to my sweet husband for putting up with me. It seems like a dark rain cloud has been following me around, dampening my mood and causing me to act out to make sure the people around me have felt as badly as I have. Sometimes, I think I even enjoy being in a bad mood. It gives me something to blame my behavior on and gain attention from my busy husband.

I saw one of my Facebook friends commenting on how often she says no on a daily basis and how she yearned to say yes for a change. Here is someone who wants to be open to things and say yes, and I have been saying no for no good reason but to punish my poor husband. This changed my outlook on how to deal with my crappy mood. I (pessimistically) reasoned that I'll feel bad no matter what, so I should do what I can to make sure Dustin his happy. Can I play one more game of Stratego? Yes. Can we play a game of chess together? Yes. Can we watch something besides Grey's Anatomy? Yes. This outlook along with a conversation with Dustin to reassure me that he is on my side and will support my decision has parted the rain clouds glooming above me to put me in a better mood. Saying yes for a change and focusing on other people's happiness really increases your own happiness. Give it a try in your own life and embraces the possibilities that come with it.

Even though my life was better after we had our own place and I had friends in town, my depression didn’t automatically go away. I had the ‘right’ to be depressed when the cards were stacked against me, but things were better now. I should be thankful and happy now, but I wasn’t. I had to take some active steps to move past it. I’ve blabbed enough about my experience. Here’s what really made a difference for me:

1.       Finding a creative outlet- Creating something was really therapeutic for me. I had something to focus on and felt satisfied when it was complete. Mine was pretty weird. I got into designing posters with lyrics. The Taylor Swift 1989 album had just come out and I created a poster for every one of those songs. I put them on Etsy, hoping to make a few bucks. This venture didn’t last long because I got a cease and desist letter from TayTay’s lawyer, but… at least I had fun creating them. Now, mine is writing. Yours could be something as simple as singing in your car, coloring in an adult coloring book (or your kid’s no judgement), journaling, painting, cleaning/home improvement, or meditation.

2.       Exercising- When we moved, I got into a consistent workout routine. I didn’t do it consciously to make myself not depressed, it was just more convenient to work out here. Now, I work out or at least move my body for 30 minutes every day. NO MATTER WHAT. This isn’t because I’m some workout maniac. It’s because moving your body changes your mindset. Some days I run, others, I do yoga, weight training, or just cut the grass. After it’s over with, your outlook improves. I’ve noticed a real difference since I’ve begun doing this. Depression can be your excuse why you can’t exercise or it can be the reason that you do.

3.       Selfishly doing what I want- Thankfully, when I was at my worst, I didn’t have a baby. Because being selfish while tending to my daughter just doesn’t compute. Instead of doing what I thought I should do, I started doing what I wanted. Anything it took to make me happy. If I wanted to sleep in, I did. If I wanted to start drinking at 2 in the afternoon, I did. If I didn’t want to go somewhere, I didn’t. Not saying these were healthy habits to adopt long-term, but I knew they were what I craved in the moment.

4.       Knowing that help is out there- When things hadn’t changed after a few months and we’d moved, I was this close to scheduling an appointment with a therapist. I genuinely believed that I would need anti-depressants to improve. I ended up finding a way to get past it on my own, but knowing that there was a way available to me was incredibly helpful.

5.       Having a goal/purpose- If you don’t have a goal or a purpose that you’re striving for, it’s hard to be motivated on a good day. When you’re depressed, that makes it almost impossible. I had to get to back to where I was when I was happiest. For me, that’s working hard and being busy. Since I don’t have a job to determine my goals, I have to create them for myself. Today, I’m doing a journaling practice where I write down 10 goals as if I’ve already completed them. For example, one of them is: I am a friend to everyone I meet. It grounds me towards what I am striving for and motivates me to do things even when I don’t want to.

6.       Having plans to look forward to- Another one of the reasons I get depressed is because I have nothing to look forward. I keep a whiteboard calendar of the plans I have going on. Today, it stays pretty full. But back when I was struggling, sometimes I would make plans just for the sake of filling my planner. It could be something simple as going to a happy hour or having lunch with a friend. The key was knowing that I would have fun in the near future.

For me at least, depression is something that I’ll always deal with. Recovery used to be all I thought about. Depression may not rule my life anymore, but it’s something that I always have to stay on top of. I have to keep doing these helpful practices day in and day out or depression might creep back up again. Another one of the goals in my journal is: I am not depressed anymore. I don’t have low days. An important I include in my book, Match Madein Motherhood, is that you can get help for your depression at any point. You don’t have to wait until you’re so bad that you can’t function before you address it. The character in my book goes to therapy, even though she doesn’t seem that bad. You can always reach out for help. We should also take notice of the people around us and treat others the way that we wish someone would treat us.